i have decided to be whoever i want to be at whatever point in time and never worry about fitting into this general idea of a personality i think i have. maybe i'm a little stranger than others in the sense that the way i act differ greatly in front of different people. but i am finally settled with the fact that it does not mean i have facades - my thoughts and moods are probably just easily affected by people, environment around me and (strangely, the state of my body).

-------

i feel there is no need to say "the new year means nothing to me, it is just another day" anymore, because i've said it so many times in the past and it's so deeply ingrained in me that there is no need to even speak of it.

i don't feel the need to live our life in years and months anymore, when our life is made up of experiences that flow like a river, are never ending, continuous, and therefore it is artificial to mark it out with time.

i wrote this to remind myself that this thought crossed my mind on 31st december, 12 :35pm.

i actually dislike the way i write lately. it's like the non-fiction books i read. i really quite dislike it even though i prefer reading non-fiction to fiction. maybe i should stop writing here for a while, until they start getting less factual. this is a reflection of my state of mind: less emotions and more evaluation. it's not exactky writing, it's really merely a storage space for my thoughts.

i feel so dry and boring. but maybe this is me. that's ok.

My heart hurts

There are no longer traces of you here, so before you completely blend into the crowds of acquaintances in my mind, I'd like to remind myself that you once existed on one of the pedestals.

"Re: why do humans express themselves?

People express themselves because humans as social beings, both want to know
about other people, and want others to know about them. This is why we speak and
write. Sometimes other tools, such as poetry, music and drawing, are more
effective ways of expressing themselves, hence they are used. "

---

I keep stopping myself from "showing myself to others" and therefore have become very reserved lately. Maybe because I'm sick of that side of me that always feels inferior, and sick of the past me who always said and did things that would hopefully reach the standards of others. I stop myself from speaking to prevent that from happening. Obviously the wrong way to do it, but what else?

Why must we be social animals, why must I feel lonely, why do I need love, why can't I just live myself and (really) be happy with it? I prefer to be alone only because I dislike awkward small talks I have with most people, not because I really enjoy it. I don't know what made me hate interaction so much. Bad experiences? of what sort? I don't even know. Or rahter, why do I find it so difficult to live with people?

-

Do people know who I really am?

USS on 25th december 2011. It's funny how I might look a little more like my brother's gf cause yahui (his real gf) looks sooo much like him. Both of us went to USS with yahui and her siblings because our parents are away in HK. More freedom and more privacy, finally.

Sometimes I wish my brother and I would be closer as siblings, like those that can really talk to each other. But I guess it's good enough that we don't quarrel and we do nice things for each other sometimes and it helps that he's really like an older brother and patient most of the time.

crashed nic's family bbq (with her freaky friends) after that. Didn't get to take any photos so here's one we took at old school last week. I like her family (and many many siblings)

2011 vs 2010

@ Timbre Old School. Hi nickicksdicks who probably won't read this, the cwazee one with all the interesting stories, the one who's anti-social as well and whom I secretly think is quite like me, it's always been quite comfortable hanging out with you :)

4th september 2011. We actually look a little odd as friends and I really don't know how we became friends but I really like talking to you all the same (even though we have such different view points at times). And even then, we get each other. Can't imagine telling anything to anyone else. Cheers to the person who concretizes my abstract thoughts hahah.

---------------------

Despite this post being so filled with people, I am feeling quite lonely at this moment. Thinking of "who am I important to, who is important to me?" depresses me. The answer is, none.

All I'm thinking while looking through photo albums is that photos really mean nothing at all. They make people appear so close when they are not. Not all the time, of course, but you really can't tell much just from photos alone.

Christmas.. okay.

Knowing the meaning of things is the most important to me. The ways in which meaning is presented in the form of words, pictures or sounds (in general, skills in art, music, language) are interesting, but they are just, skills. They are things that belong in an outer,(physical) world.

There are two worlds: the inner, the outer. Thoughts are abstract, and in the inner world. Anything else is concrete, belonging to the outer world.

I feel that nothing matters more than the abstract world. Living in the physical world can be tiring, for you sometimes have to spend effort making your presence known. I don't even mean an impressive presence, even a normal person unconsciously says things as if to say: this is me.

Given our short period of interaction with others, we can only get to know someone by taking note of their outer appearances, few sentences they say. So we say "first impression counts" and try our best to use clothes to represent us, say things to be seen a certain way. So tiring and painful.

It is better to live in my own world, and let those want to enter, in. I don't want to spend effort making my personality known to others. (for whatever purpose: friendship, jobs) The question is, how long can one survive in this (physical) world living this way?

Moreover, the very act of communication is actually a concrete way of conveying abstract thoughts - it is still concrete - your thoughts are affected by linguistic ability, and because everybody's interpretation of words differ, thoughts you want to convey can be distorted. If that is the case, the only truth is the inner world sealed within yourself.

-

I figured something. The part of art I've always liked more is the meaning behind a particular piece. Some artists have impressive skills I can admire for hours, but what sticks with me is what the artist wanted to say (which relates to me). In art, meaning comes hand in hand with skill, because meaning can only be conveyed with good skill and presentation. I don't mean only skills like brushstrokes etc, but also the choice of subject matter, time frame selected. In art, meaning can only come with good presentation and skill. One half of the package does not interest me as much as the other, I think.

-

Also, I am learning to say what I really feel. Often, we say things that are affected by our subconscious. Subconscious sounds like a fancy and non-accessible term, but in this context, I think the subconscious refers to our very natural and uncontrollable intinctive reaction towards certain emotions and situations. [eg. someone denying his feelings towards someone (person A) actually really has feelings towards (person A), but is denying it because subconsciously, he might be afraid of rejection and would rather not have others know about it, to minimize the chances of rejection. If I am able to identify my instinctive patterns, I'd be more able to notice what I really feel.

Yes thank you I know how important communication is, but having you telling me your every single bloody (negative) thought and repeating it is quite horrible. It's bloody irritating that it'll always and forever be a one-way thing because I will never have the right to really really tell you what I feel. Suddenly feel like communication is so overrated. You make me feel like there isn't a thing called communication, just YOU always making ME listen to whatever you have to say. Hold on, that isn't even communication, we're not even on the same level. I'm so afraid I'm unconsciously turning out this way as well.

Can you people just leave me alone. Please listen to this one little request. Please don't rant your head off when you can clearly tell the person needs some quiet time. Just a short while. I'll listen to you speak maybe even after half an hour. I've tolerated for so long before finally using silence to deal with it. I didn't shout! I haven't turned that knob in years, please at least figure out what that should mean before shooting off like a bullet train. Seems like tolerating is not a good thing, because people like you will go on till the boiling point has reached and go "oh, didn't know you were tolerating".

And stop trying to pry me open. I'm not going to open up. Go. away.

Why do I feel like communication is so tiring when I know what's painful should be the absence of communication? Why on earth is everything labelled as small talk in my mind, and I feel so drained of energy and tired whenever I speak to.. almost everyone?

So what is communication? Communication is about sharing and listening - listening is not about simply nodding your head, but about responding as well.

Lately, I haven't been able to talk to others because I often can't find anything to say. Perhaps it's because I haven't been listening attentively, haven't cared about anyone enough. I want to apologize for always disappearing after exchanging one or two sentences, for ignoring texts or replying only after a week or a few.

I feel inferior and am afraid to speak, be it the sharing of thoughts/insights/random musings or the expression of any emotions (fortunately or unfortunately quite lacking these days), just in case whatever I say turn out to be too muddled up. Just like how I don't like working hard because I'm afraid to find out I'm not good enough.

Just that.. I don't know what "good enough" means. Nothing's ever good enough for... recognition? respect? love? acceptance? Whenever I think of this list, I realize I don't even know what I'm looking for. Acceptance maybe? Self acceptance or acceptance from others? Or.. what?

I'm afraid I won't do well this time, and I still hate myself for being so careless during the exams, for making rash decisions. Also, I hate myself for feeling inferior, when I know I have every reason not to be. But I can't stop feeling that way, can't help evaluating my self worth with every word I say, every thing I do. I name this devil inferiority, I want to kill it because it's taking away even the things I used to be good at.

Maybe I'm still not used to talking to people, because I can't seem to think of anything to say to anyone at all. Somehow everything feels like small talk. I feel irresponsible for not continuing conversations, text messages and face-to-face conversations alike, but I'm afraid of the awkwardness and always end up walking away from them. I feel guilty for steering the conversation to myself for a while cause I didn't know what to say today. I feel guilty

I just want to be able to talk to others again and not be stuck in my own world and be able to find words to say. I feel so cold I feel like being dependent on people all over again, at least I could feel a little in the past. I don't know who's important to me, I want to take back all those words "you're self centered you're self centered you're self centered". I don't know how to really love myself without being self centered at the same time. I don't now what being self centered means, does talking about yourself equate to being self centered? I really don't know I don't know.

My truest thoughts are still as convoluted. I don't understand WHY I don't write here anymore, why I don't share my thoughts with others anymore, why I'm keeping everything to myself these days I don't understand this part of myself. Why do I feel like communication is so tiring when I know what's painful is the absence of communication.

How does one learn to love herself?

Honestly can't wait to turn 21 and get all the freedom I want. Every time I look at the albums I took, I'm reminded of you controlling the kind of photos I can take, all the rules to follow. I feel the freedom of snapping photos being taken away from me. Don't even have mood to shoot with the camera these days, feel like whatever you said has already been embedded in me and I have fit into the mould you have built for me I HATE IT. I hate how I am already in the mould and I have changed. Into you. I don't want to be like you, yet I already am. I hate how you're so restraining, how you build walls around yourself and for me as well. I need to run away, to be myself, out of the danger zone of becoming like you. Free me free me free me free me free me. I don't want to be like you, I want to be happy. Free me fucking free me please. I am 19. I need to be less angry. I'm trying.

Am in the particular stage where I am penning down all my thoughts in my diary instead of this space because I feel like what's written here must be my final say, an essay, instead of a documentation of my processes of thought. In essence, I am afraid of saying the wrong things. I am reluctant to speak because I feel the people will normally take your words as (your stand), because they probably do not have the chance to hear your other stand at another point in time. People are always in a process of change, and nothing is ever the final say.

I do not like discussions, I only like asking and getting answers, and evaluating answers on my own. Because (I think) people can get defensive (over their ideas/argument) and judge even your evaluation. This should be a thinking I should change.

(edit: I still ended up typing quite abit..)

------

Today I read three chapters of "moonwalking with Einstein" about human memory and what struck me the most is that memory is not a by-product of expertise, but the essence of expertise. In other words, to have great expertise is to have a great bank of retained information regarding that field gained after time. (instead of having memory of things of that field because of a particular skill. -actually this sentence does not even make sense now -)

Also, in the context of chess playing: professional chess players are normally experienced players (roughly 9 years of playing etc) who do not use on-the-spot thinking during competitions unlike non-experienced players. They play intuitively because they have the "skills" drilled into their muscle memory.

(I will stop here because I might end up writing a summary and summaries normally get me quite frustrated because I often have too much to say, and makes me feel like I HAVE to get a point across. When I actually don't have to.) Anyway.

-----------

So I did an experiment while playing piano today, and crossed my hands to play it. Meaning, playing the right-hand parts on the lower octave, and the left-hand parts on the higher octave. (instead of RH on higher octave and LH on lower octave).

Discovered that songs I've learnt when I was young came to me naturally - the fingerings just came to me and I didn't have to look at scores (probably because they were already in my "muscle memory". So when I swapped hands to play, there were absolutely no problems in doing so even though the song sounded weird.

As I grew older, I became more sensitive to the relationship between notes and chords and started playing "by ear", meaning I memorize pieces by the way the pieces sound, not so much of the positions of the fingerings visually/by looking at the scores. So when I tried to play with the position of my hands swapped around, I couldn't do it properly, because the piece sounded weird, different from how I usually learned them.

Honestly I do not know which way of learning is better.

Also, the classical pieces seemed easier to play with swapped hands than the ones in the 20th century/impressionistic pieces (eg. by Debussy). Probably because classical pieces were created more structually and therefore easier to break down? I'm not sure about this, maybe google can help.

-

One last thing I remembered from the book:

our memory is never, static - it is always being shaped by our experience.

-

6 more chapters to go but I have to study Jap now. Sayonara.

I hate myself for thinking I'm not good enough. I'm so afraid of trying.

There are so many layers to us, layers we didn't know existed. Every time I say something, I'll realise afterwards that it was said out of a purpose and it wasn't exactly what i was thinking. like, i unconsciously put on a mask. Don't know what I'm talking about.

I

"honestly, what's the difference between being 21 years old and 20 years, 11 months, 30 days old?"

"The difference is not with you, it's with the way your parents treat you"

I can't wait to turn 21. I dislike how we're bound by other people, but there isn't a choice. So.. I can't wait to turn 21.

-----

II

There are no other words to describe how I feel, I feel sad, and for some strange reason, lonely. The world around me makes me feel like I don't belong, I wish I were more easy-going and sociable, but I am not. I feel.. sad.

Maybe it's the sad music I'm listening to.

Suddenly occurred to me that this is destructive behaviour: 1) people contact me and I don't reply because I don't know what to say in return, 2) I feel lonely because there is no one here (who's free) to really talk to cause I haven't replied them.

I understand it's my fault for not replying to texts but.. I really, really, really dislike that moment of awkwardness, like:

"hi emma! how have you been, how were your exams! :)"

- an imagined conversation that follows - :

me: "hi xx! :D yeah they were fine, how are you!"

xx: "yeah i'm fine too, busy with school! Enjoying yourself?"

me: "yeah! (lists down what I do). So.. what do you do in school?"

xx: "oh, lectures, and all... gonna find a job?"

me: "yeah, a job..! so........"

--

I mean, you can't talk about random things with friends you haven't talked to in ages. Especially over texts. I'm not an expert at starting conversations and I don't know what to do.

----

III

This blog is an indicator of the change in the way I think and express myself. I'm still not letting myself get exposed to the wide range of emotions I'm allowed to express. Choppy. Sentences. Not. Nice. I find it strange that I can read so much out of a few pages in a book, and pen down my thoughts in little private notes, but not here. Strange because I'm obviously hiding my feelings from others, much more than I used to. I am increasingly isolated from the rest of the world.

---

IV

8-12 Sabah trip.

Rob: because! Crazy people don't sit around wondering if they're nuts!

-

Not really. I remember researching about mental disorders all day last year. Not going back to the past again. Part of me wishes I hadn't changed though. I have practically no memories of 2011 for I've successfully stopped myself from letting emotions take control. I feel like a rock, a stone.

-

Feel like saying I HATE YOU to you right now I HATE YOU. Don't know why I'm saying this, I just hate you for ignoring me, for not showing me respect. I'm sad actually. But hate puts me in a stronger position for once. Therefore, I HATE YOU.

=

And I suddenly remember what kai told me that day:

1) Every person has a story behind him

2) We are all equal beings, just that the world measures them in specific terms (eg. material well being), making things seem unfair.

-

I am leaving for Sabah in two hours, back on the afternoon of 12th.

Do I have the right to say I don't feel there's such thing as love? It's something I know exists, but can't feel or touch.

I don't believe anybody would be willing to share your pain, or listen to your woes. Unless they are free, or do not have problems of their own. Who doesn't have problems of their own? We must understand they can't give us too much time, they have their lives to lead as well.

But then I heard true love and friendship is when they help you and listen to you even when they have their own problems. Isn't that a little too much to ask of someone who is not related to you in any way? Though it's something I'd very much love to experience -

And give others as well. I wish I'd love others more. But how to? What is it?

--

If I could know love well enough to put it in visual form, in words, in mindmaps, understand it so well, I'd want to give the world all my love I can give.

But all we know about love, is that it's red, and a heart.

They say there are many ways to love someone, and everyone needs a different kind of love, because we are all different and shaped differently. If it's so different, how do we know what 'love' really is? Love is a word, a definition. Some are so twisted and confused that it turns into hate.

-

Why have I turned out this way? why can I not be happy and loving? Why have past events shaped me so much? How can a short period of one year change me so drastically? True, they're a buildup of events, a result of my brewing insecurity. but the past year was the one that turned me into.. Something.. Horrible. I want to be happy and make others happy. I want to love and be loved and I'll say this many times, over and over.

Sometimes I wonder why I hate the word "simple" so much.

Just watched in the mood for love (花樣年華).

Blue Valentine twice in two days.

You are the apple of my eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩) ~ a week ago.

Utterly confused on what love is all about.

-

In all honesty I didn't find the last as great as it was said to be, maybe I should watch it again. That said, it was still light hearted, sweet and quite enjoyable. And safe from cliched endings.

Blue Valentine was so raw, it speaks of the truth. There is something new you can pick up after each watch, it will be a movie I will review at least once a year. The breakdown of a relationship.. I tried to rationalize it many times, but come to a different conclusion every time. Trust and love is hinged upon the past, history, so many things untold..

In the mood for love had brilliant, captivating scenes and meaningful use of visuals. I like how the older movies move in a slower pace and make greater use of symbols, giving audiences more space to think. I loved the smart use of visual clues and repetition to aid in the stringing up of evidence and emotional connection to the characters. Also, the lingering touch of the music. I quote: "A movie suffused with ravishing physical beauty and infinite sadness".

-

Blue Valentine: "How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

花樣年華: "Feelings can creep up just like that. I thought I was in control"

Similar quotes, I feel, by no coincidence. I find the entire concept of love (a.. concept) so hard to grasp. What is it?

-

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking throusth a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch.

And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

-------------------------

Feel like "modern" movies sometimes move in such a blur, that thoughts only reside in your mind for that split second before it gets distracted by the next scene. So all you're left with at the end of the movie is a state of confusion.

-

2046, royston tan and eric khoo films next on the list. My friend's going to lend me a copy of yumeji soon. Not forgetting the list my friends have given me. On top of that, I have signed up for japanese classes, plan to look for a piano teacher after my trip, find a job..

where can I find time for myself? The hour walk around the park felt important to me; I thought - it'd be nice to get away from home and find freedom, in a place where nobody recognizes me and I have the right the be lost in my thoughts.

-

I cannot stand it. The music for 花樣年華 is too beautiful.

I teared while walking around the park in circles today, not due to (specific) issues, but because remembering hurts. I like cyclicity. I like that sense of familiarity which allows your mind to be in a place of its own, because you don't have to waste energy registering new images. I wrote a letter to four people in my head, though I don't know if I'll be able to remember everything or even end up writing them. My feelings are more accessible now.

The discovery of her hiding place has transformed me.

The words in my mind seem more beautiful. I'll stop here. I'm not even writing anything proper. These words make me puke.

Who are we to each other, I don't know anymore. We can't stay on this spot, we either move towards or away from each other. We don't trust each other, we don't listen to each other. Nothing about each other is important. Nothing is important. Make a decision now, to close the gap or to eliminate interaction, it hurts to see things wither away.

"Swallow your feelings. Scoop them neatly and don’t let them spill or leave a stain. Chew them quickly – don’t savor them – just long enough to make them an unrecognizable mush before pushing them down to be dissolved in the acid below. Start small, just the ones you can handle: sadness when someone dies in a movie, anger at tech support. Those are the ones that make sense, that go down smooth.

Others are harder to swallow, the complex, multi-course meals made of layer after layer of uncertainty and guilt, warring flavors of disbelief and longing to believe, fear of getting what you want and fear of losing what you never had. It’s okay if you can’t choke them down right away, if they get stuck halfway and leave a lump in your throat, if they make you sick and some of them leak out through your eyes and nose or burst out of your mouth when you least expect it. It happens to the best of us. You just have to build up a tolerance. Consume them little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have room on your plate for something else, something better.

Just as you can’t remember the time before you ate solid food, soon it will become second nature. One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy. "

from thoughtcatalog (link from sarah)

-

yes precisely

A song, a book or film does not have to relate to you for it to be good. It's about how well it expresses or represents the issue.

-

陳奕迅 - 浮誇

Got attracted to this song because of its unique melody, and later the lyrics. It's quite frustrating to not be able to properly describe what I like about the music. Roughly: It is rather twisted, winds around because of the use of semitones and not just whole notes (eg. compare this with 梁山伯与茱丽叶, feel like this song is the epitome of "simple, straightforward music" - in my opinion, at least -. Basically, songs that are easy to sing/pick up) I think the music and lyrics come together to bring out a sense of confusion and the gulf between 1) what the person wants to do, and 2) what the person HAS to do.

Basically, 好有感覺 !

梁山伯与茱丽叶, for comparison

-

够歇斯底里吗以眼泪淋花吧

一心只想你惊讶

我旧时似未存在吗加重注码

青筋也现形话我知

现在存在吗

" 描写一些在生活中，工作上。不出众。又没特色的人。想多得到别人的重视。 一种自卑的精神。"

This performance is far too great.

If anybody gets what I mean. Feel like the pain of inadequacy, having to do things for the mere sake of pleasing others and thus sense of losing oneself has been expressed very well. I noticed Eason Chan has pretty intense performance and makes full use of the stage, props and atmosphere.

I'm afraid of entering the real world, doing things that might betray your own principals and interests.. just to survive.

I liked (you are the apple of my eye)

I have serious issues with people, and I can't hide it at all.

For once I wish I were better at pretending.

look and think: outward.

Abstract vs Concrete thinkers

1) To some extent, concrete and abstract are domain specific. For example, for a mathematician, concepts like exponent and equation are second nature and relatively concrete in their meaning. However, that same mathematician might find concepts like value as used in political economy to be quite abstract.

2) The ability to think concretely and abstractly is also associated with the ability to transfer what is learned from one context to another. For example, a student who is a reasonably abstract thinker might learn the organization of an essay in English class and then transfer that learning to her writing in social studies class. In contrast, a concrete thinker might need to be specifically taught in both classes.

3) Abstraction is a relative concept, related to the age of the child. For a two year old, “the day after tomorrow” is a highly abstract concept. For a college student, the day after tomorrow is relatively concrete, as opposed to highly abstract ideas like Heisenberg’s Indeterminancy Principle.

-----------------------------------------------------------

points taken: There are no absolutes. Abstract/concrete thinkers aren't abstract/concrete thinkers in all situations, they're just mostly abstract/concrete. Though I must say I'm mostly abstract and people sometimes.. don't understand what I am talking about.

http://www.projectlearnet.org/tutorials/concrete_vs_abstract_thinking.html

still at the stage of not wanting to write everything here.

I found this article quite useful in the understanding of abstract vs concrete thinking.

Never imagined it'd hurt a little. Slow, seeping kind of pain that reaches your core as time trickles by. Now bury it

- and add on more weight to it. Let the earth cover the murk and dream you will close your eyes before they burst.

-

Arctic Monkeys - Suck it and see

Meg & Dia - Rebecca

Mozella - Freezing

I like these.

I don't want march to arrive. I want to hide away from everyone but I can't.

It's been almost 3 days since the end of the A's, and I'm feeling extremely unproductive (two days of going out and a day of arranging music. 18629 more files to look through, extremely mundane but of great priority). I have a movie list, a list of books to read, a list of songs to download, classes to sign up for, information to look for... I don't even know where to begin.

So I consulted (my best friend) Google regarding thought processes because I haven't figured out what to do first (in dire need of a schedule). Because I find it strange that people say I'm good at problem solving while my often non-linear style of thinking might suggest I'm not too logical.. (?) Aren't the two supposed to come together? Or non-linear thinking does not equate to being illogical?

dumping ground for random thoughts:

I think I should put a quota on the number of movies I watch.

Sarah told me about Derren brown yesterday.

Feeling a little frustrated that words are not coming to me yet, I feel so emotionally disconnected from myself these days. It's been months since I allowed myself to really "listen to my heart". (with the exception of negative thoughts regarding the examinations, which were too difficult to push away).

These days, I keep catching myself feeling too 'lazy' to think. Then I realised it was cause I was afraid to. By that, I mean I'm always making value judgements of myself and end up running away from problems just cause I feel the first step wasn't good enough to bring me to the next few steps/a conclusion. I think if this goes on I might really become dumb. I hate these value judgements I make, they're so bloody irritating.

I have no idea why I'm feeling extremely guilty for being self-absorbed here when this is a blog. Hahha like a B-log, a brain log.

-

Sorry I haven't been replying to texts/messages. I'm honestly a little too used to staying alone at home.

Looking through my photos and realising I'll have no memories of my life from September - November 2011 because there aren't any photos at all. There'll be a time lapse, as though the year of 2011 was only a few months short.

I'm afraid to like/love someone. I can't be myself when i do, due to all the expectations i place on myself and on them. The only way to not do so is to make them a little less important in your life, until nature takes its course and allow them into your life again. But as friends, which is nice too. Hahaha sometimes i think i'll never get married.

ok don't. let. your. emotions. take. control.

Feel like crying every time I think of my econs paper. I'm reading the chapter on globalization for geog now and I get reminded of market structures whenever I see the words 'deregulation' 'product efficiency' 'competition'. It really angers me that my efforts didn't get translated onto the script, they decided to mix the chapters up in one question. And I'm angry with myself for not choosing the other question. Just cause...

I'm angry, angry, angry, angry with.. I don't know what. I'm afraid. That I'd screw up the two subjects I'm supposed to do well in. No wait I think I've screwed them up already. Geog was worse. And it was actually much worse than econs because i made a terrible decision at that time. I don't even want to explain further. Have a 10 mark question that'll haunt me for the rest of my life. Goodbye. Not forgetting another essay question for geog. Goodbye.

Hah I'm ranting. Goodbye.

But I'm more attracted to the weaker side of people, not their strong, confident side.

Because it makes me feel like I can communicate with them.

19 years of my life I've been blindfolded, dipping my hands into a bag. A bag of talents, abilities. Or you can just call them 'skills'. Each time I draw something out, I play with it for awhile and sometimes, a gust of wind comes by and knocks it down.

My mind tells me, your hands are not strong enough to protect it, let it slip, try something else. So I draw something else out of the bag and the same thing happens. Sometimes, I think: life'll be much easier if I could just grab onto ONE thing and be good at it, and be terrible at everything else. not to be 'relatively okay/good' in a few things. But the problem's just with the mind which tells me to let go of anything that doesn't jump out at me. (they call it 'talent') A thought driven by the fear of not being exceptional even after you've tried.

-

Many things slip past our fingers, and there is a sense of self-worth tagged to it, a continuous assessment of ourselves. Those assessments don't make you stronger, they weaken you. But how do you get rid of them? You know you have things in your hands, but you say 'not enough, not enough', and the fear springs up, making you lose everything you have.

Some days I feel I'm going nowhere. There is a wide gap between expectations and reality. Where did such sky-high expectations come from? Some people focus on reality and try to lower their expectations to narrow the gap. they get stronger each day. Some focus on what they can do and work hard on meeting their expectations.

Some focus on expectations and fear the reality. A wreck at the end of the day, because no matter how many times they tell you 'I think you'll be fine', that 'potential' always gets converted to fear, a sense of insignificance. Potential? Potential in what? Obviously this fear in me is too strong, because even after much improvement it's still as strong as ever. Stubborn root. .

We're rarely too weak (in our abilities). Just too bloody weak in the mind, or too afraid. I am a resident of my mind, not this world. I think they call it self-absorption.

Time is like butter, it slips away from your fingers. I lost control today.

Completely lost control
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Haven't done anything since I got home after the maths paper 7 hours ago. My brain is tired. And it died on me a little. I didn't tell anyone it died on me cause that might sound like a bloody excuse. But it isn't really an excuse. Because I tried. Well, in the short 3 hours in the freezing classroom.

My (personality) isn't a conducive environment for maths (haha, personality as an environment). Meaning, I don't think the phrase 'my (brain) isn't a conducive environment or wired for maths/any subject' is entirely true. (The words 'brain' and 'wired' makes it sound like nothing can be changed). If personalities can change, so can our 'abilities'. Maybe it's also got to do with the way we choose to pick up information.

I don't like using formulas to do things cause the answer I always get when I ask 'why', is that 'you don't have to know these, just apply the formula'. I can't memorise things because I refuse to remember anything unless I can understand the full picture, but the textbook only requires half the picture sometimes, etc. Too bad, I just can't do these subjects properly (at this point in time). But it's okay.

Maybe all subjects have the potential to be truly, absolutely beautiful. Even artists can love maths/physics, but it HAS to be taught in a way that suits the person's style of thinking, personality. Some people figure out that (certain) way to learn, on their own. Perhaps that's when they're 'naturally' good at that area/field/subject, or it matched their taste when they first got in touch with it. Or many other reasons which I have yet to discover.

-

Feel like my brain/personality is not "naturally" shaped for this system (meaning, the A's) and it takes time for someone to change. It's not just about understanding the words you read (which is the part of studying that's so wonderful). There are the linear thoughts, structure, form of application.. and then my terrible tendencies to read too much into simple questions and confuse myself. But I just really hate to think this is impossible for me so.. I'm gonna read something after this.

Actually, I kind of like how it's making me slightly more clear and structured. (Shh, I said 'slightly'.) Don't mind going through this a bizillion times till I get it, and gain a new skill. Then I can choose to use the newly acquired structures or my messy thinking style (that comes in the form of pictures) as and when I like.

'writing helps you find yourself'. Nobody said it has to be 'good writing'. Should've written this earlier, all the wasted time before this.. (Note to self: rewatch sarah kay's speech soon)

Lastly, I kind of like how I don't know who the hell is reading and who is not. There's the freedom to say anything because there isn't a specific audience, while knowing at the same time that they're not entirely bottled up thoughts.

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"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
— Sylvia Plath


Got this from my friend (she doesn't really know I took this. Hi now you do, if you're reading this)

-

Read it a minute after I thought, 'actually I kind of enjoy locking myself up this year it's not that painful, really'. I don't think I want to pour my soul out after the exams. It must be rather filthy, full of self-centered crap. Gross.

-

And what is 'confidence'. Is it to have the confidence that you'll achieve that dream of yours? or is it the confidence that no matter what happens, you are who you are, you are special in your own way, and that not succeeding in one area doesn't mean you're a failure in life?

Maybe it's not confidence I have, I've just come to place of acceptance.

But sometimes I think acceptance is a form of escapism. It's like saying 'it's ok you're like that, don't be too harsh on yourself'. Then you stop trying too hard. I don't think nothing's ever impossible for anyone as long as they keep trying. But what's the point of trying so hard at something you're not naturally good at? (Or am I already tending towards escapism and laziness and what not?)

That thought kind of made me lose my drive. Which is why I'm suspecting it might be escapism under the facade of 'acceptance'.
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Shirin Neshat:

http://www.womenwithoutmenfilm.com/

if only i could write an essay all about honour killings.

Upon more research, I realised that art emotionally tied to issues are obviously more impactful for me, as opposed to those with impressive aesthetic qualities or even brilliance and originality.

well honestly, looking up for content last minute isn't going to be too useful and productive so i'll stop here. the 4 hours just whizzed past. Now why does time pass by so slowly when I'm doing mathematics.

Lesson learnt: it's a blessing to have a school to go to, and teachers to turn to. Teachers are mirrors. And I feel like I'm in a room without one. Not to the extent of being in a dark room of course.

There are certain things beyond the textbook you can't learn on your own. In the context of exams where there are certain requirements to questions. it'll be helpful to have someone to tell you where you've gone wrong.

Will forget about this and move on. Though I must say it really sucks to know that you're not as fine as you actually think you are.

"Forget about it. Just move on."

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Oh god this is so sickening and demoralising can I just rely on my brain on those days and try to relax now. There are close to 20 bloody schools with their papers screaming "I am going to eat you up". Took close to 3 hours to relax cause my brain was in knots and couldn't function at all. Ok bye.

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I am afraid. Very afraid.

I don't need to be a writer to have writer's block. student writer's block. I'm typing this to get words out of my head, because it's been ages since I've done so. It will first come out in convoluted chunks, and much proof reading, and rambling. This need to reconnect with the part of me that's allowed to, well, bullshit. I am tasked with a gp essay and my exam is a week later. I haven't practised. Complacency placed me in an area where I thought I could write as long as I was once able to. My friend says I have the ability to bullshit, I think I do too. Used to. So now I'm making myself write non stop such that I'll gain confidence in my 'I can write non stop' area.

The aim of this is to get out the cancellations on my exam piece, the fear of not getting the 'right' words, the perfect words, the words which will score me the A (ironically, without having to study at all, yeah right). So I now have a week. And a night to complete the two assignments I am tasked with. Here I am, in a great attempt to type non stop and get rid of my fear.

Well what fear. I think I can't think in depth these days. Literature - the study of human minds, psychology, something I loved and used to love. But nowadays, I seem to have adopted the notion that, as long as I stay structured and memorize the facts, everything will be okay. Wrong. This is not going towards the right track.

I searched "how to cure writers' block" and a person by the name of 'david (I forgot what)' said you should really type out how you feel about writing.

Now let's see.

1) I like to think, but within the time constraint, I am unable to. The nuance of the words, the complexities of the human mind

2) As I am writing this, I ask myself why I am making myself write non-stop when the beauty of thought is the process of rethinking, re-editing. (This is absolutely bullshit).

3) There is a problem with putting my thoughts into words. But before that, there is a problem with having thoughts in the first place. If given such a question in the past:

4) My inadequacies in writing. My writing style has somehow, I believe, deteriorated. This is primarily due to the expectation I hold for myself. In my head; there is an expectation to perform. Then there is the reality, the inability to meet the expectation. the gap between expectation and reality is a mere, imaginary gap. What is inability? Not being able to reach a standard. What are standards? Benchmarks set by oneself. I now look at this paragraph and think: this is so incoherent, or maybe it's as though I am thinking aloud.

Something hit me. To be coherent is to translate your thoughts onto paper, write aloud. So people can trace your thoughts. Have I not solved my problem of incoherence?

My past (or perhaps even present) problem of incoherence might stem from my fear of wanting to present only the best thoughts, thus I only say the "insightful" words. I guess some are able to put their "insight" across really succinctly, in a clear concise manner, but my brain is not structured. So I can do it another way: do the long winded explanations but at least the teachers know what I'm writing about.

Mind is too clouded with fear: three fears: first - that I HAVE to write a topic sentence that properly summarize what I (am about to say), which is against my personality because I just really like to evaluate, analyse before I come to a conclusion. Second - that my ideas HAVE to be insightful, spot on, even with the 1 second I am given to think. Third - and I am just trying to force feelings out to train myself - the fear of having grammatically imperfect (not incorrect) english that would jeopardize my marks. I think my content isn't strong enough for my desired grades.

In gp, in literature, you have to have "control" over what you write. Because you are given a limited amount of time, such that the depth, the breadth of the topic you are discussing has to be limited.

One mistake I've made, is that I try to force control even before I have lost control. After every sentence, I re-read it and think, "is this where I stop, such that I won't seem like I'm losing control?". This is restrictive, completely unproductive.

Also, i keep thinking of what others say, "you can scribble over your paper if you feel it'll make you coherent". But then I spent time planning. Then I think, "ohno I spent time planning but I'll be incoherent on my first paragraph, how!".

Another fear-driven action. Non-productive. Does not serve me. As if I do not know. The solution to get rid of this fear, is to

1) Stop thinking my english is terrible, lacks nuance. It simply comes with my acceptance for whatever word and thought that comes to my head. Nuance comes from a place of connection with your feelings. These days, I have been disconnected. Will I be able to find it back in 7 days? I might.

To feel is not to be vulnerable. To feel is to acknowledge your current emotions, and express it. Not to fear whether you have expressed it well, because noone knows what you're thinking, and whatever you write IS what you feel. Even if it's a little different from what is on your mind. That comes with practice anyway.

Then there is my fear for literature, that I do not have content. Bullshit. I can just read the book, feel the characters, and I can then naturally understand what effects the techniques bring. Does not come with "studying".

--

Don't be clouded by the fear that "I've not studied enough", just because others practised like mad to get their grades. If I put down my fear and manage to connect with my emotions again, words will come back to me. In gp essays, I can't feel for the question and end up getting stuck. Because I am unable to feel from that perspective, I am too caught up in the world of the "self", and forced attempts to bring in "society" are, as the word suggests, forced.

How do I solve this?

Put down your fear of being grammatically wrong. Even with this unconscious blabbering, there's nothing much wrong with my sentence structure. I just have to trust my instincts and write whatever comes to my head first. If there are errors, and I can kind of forsee the structure error - just continue writing the sentence and edit a word or two. Not correct the entire structure.

Be emotionally connected with whatever I'm writing. To do that, do as atticus finch says, "to walk around in others' shoes". So what if the quote is entirely wrong? The main idea is there.

You will be fine. Look what you've written. Be emotionally connected to find the nuance. Trust your instincts with english, they're fine. Then you'll naturally be able to have the freedom of thought to think, like you used to.

A few errors will not harm anyone :)

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Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do
And only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get
Halfway through
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forget what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and
Disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you

--


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Feeling kind of like, lonely, but don't feel like calling anybody up cause I don't know what to say in 10 minutes. Want to hug someone tight for say, 5 minutes, and feel all better and get back to work. And I hate studying for 'management of earthquakes, floods, volcano eruptions, mass movements'. Please don't appear on my script you prats.

Listened to my friend today, reminded me of how I feared opening up too much to others, in case they think it's laughable that I share so much when they don't actually give a damn (fear of rejection).

But today, I told myself to understand my friend's situation, found no need to reject her need to open up, and actually wanted to continue listening.

It's quite a beautiful thing if two people are able to not judge one another at all, and be able to stand in each others' shoes. Mutual respect. I always end with this, but there's honestly so much I can improve on.

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Today I felt as though she was able to assert her identity and even invited me to but I somehow couldn't; if my identity is revealed only when I'm alone or at best with one person I am close to - is that considered an identity? In the first place, why do we have to let others know "this is who I am"?

I live in my own world, a safe place where I can be whoever I want to be, go wherever my emotions take me. I can be volatile, free. Away from this world where a 'fluctuating personality' means "you are not yourself", for people like familiarity. Can this volatility be me? and if that is the case, there is no single person who will fully understand who I am - for they might have only seen a spot on the spectrum.

I can say this now, but I was so disturbed about not being able to 'let my personality show', the 'favourite part' of my personality. Interaction with people is tiring, we sometimes feel like putting forth our ideals to clearly state "this is me". Whatever for? I'm asking, whatever for, but at the same time, still finding a desire in asserting my identity.

-

On a side note, I realised: I'd rather connect with someone vulnerable. My instincts draw me to complexity like a moth to a flame. Complex people. To observe, to learn from, or to connect with.
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Today I fought hard to tell myself to not give in to escapism but did for a few hours. Stopped myself from hitting the "call number" button and was successful, for a while. Now I am up, but with eyes so dry. Someone teach me the art of being simple. I should stop reading too much into questions, it's killing me. End of ranting.

What are the reasons behind the differences between the way teachers speak to students, the way friends speak to each other, the way parents speak to their children, and the way couples speak to each other?

Is the role of an educator confined to someone generally more experienced and wise (normally older); can't two people of equal status take turns to 'educate' each other? The term 'learning' is usually used for two people of equal status. So what exactly gives one the right to be an 'educator' instead of merely being a person another can 'learn from'?

Tearing puppet strings away from me.

Your presence makes one more lonely than ever. You hear decibels, not voices. You say, speak, don't ever stop speaking, but never respond. Words themselves don't mean much?

Good night, goo gaa goo gaa. Good morning, googoogajoob, googoogajoob.

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too tired to form sentences.

1) Why do humans express themselves? It's not just for communication is it? Writing in a [private] diary is a form of expression too, is it not?

2) Why are we judgemental

3) just because you like talking to someone doesn't mean they feel the same way. It's quite uh, sad but I'm over it. Don't know what to feel about it, shall just accept that as a fact. X thinks I'm not good enough and I think Y is not good enough, for the same reasons.

4) I glared at the dude next to me today cause I thought he asked a really dumb question. But my teacher answered it just like how he handled any question. Then I realised why I'm so afraid of asking questions in a classroom environment.

By being vulnerable (showing our truest self, not hiding anything) we're not only prone to others' judgement, it's not as simple as that. Friendships might be at stake. Sometimes I feel like I'm better and choose not to talk to them (luckily I can only think of one person whom I treat this way). Trying to not be like that, it's such a terrible terrible thing to do. I will not hide my true self under any circumstance. And to not be afraid to do so, I must stop judging. As 'pathetic' as people say they are.
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Loneliness.

Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I haven't been communicating for the sake of: 1) wanting to (forcing myself to) experience and enjoy companionable silence, 2) having an excuse for my asocial behaviour, inability to share my views with others as of late.

(One must first understand my fear of silence when I'm with another. I feel silence is a gage of level of closeness, the amount of ideas/feelings two can communicate to each other)

I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay, silence is okay'. Let myself slip into the 'asocial mode' and tell them 'yeah, don't feel like talking today'. Is silence really okay? Is it a sign of disrespect? Even with my closest friend, I don't like it all that much. I'd rather be alone.

I was extremely silent, lost in my own world. Didn't show my friend respect by checking my phone constantly, disengaged. Before we met, there were many things I wanted to ask. Not when I was in front of him. And also the very last day I met up with sarah, though we felt ok because we could normally talk.

It's so difficult to communicate ideas, thoughts, feelings. Expressing is easy, but communication is not. My thoughts are only revealed here, and when i am with sarah. these days, at least. but she is overseas. and lately, I haven't been expressing myself enough to let others know what i am thinking and reach out to me. (Really appreciated those who reached out to me). There's a question left unanswered: why am I so afraid to ask people personal questions about themselves?

I've been lonely these days. So much to say, but no one to say it to. It's not others' fault. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone without feeling selfish, self-absorbed. I can't contribute to anybody's life right now, can't afford to hang out with them often. If I want someone to talk to, it's this need to share my thoughts like carl jung said. It's similar to ranting, just not emotional ranting. It's not fair to them because they are busy to and I can't always receive from others without giving.

I'm bad at communicating and might end up merely expressing myself and that isn't desirable. it's better that I keep to myself isn't it. people like spending time with their friends, to engage in intellectual discussions, not listen to rants.

I don't want to be ranting about life to my friend who might be feeling alone herself. I don't want my other friend to feel made use of. And my other friend who is going through the same thing as I am. And I haven't been comfortable talking to anybody else.

My friend said the reason why we communicate is because we are social animals and there is no answer to that. Right now, I am expressing myself to nobody in particular and it feels better to type all these out to my blog because I just need to be clear of what I am thinking, and get things out of my system. Doing this because I can't communicate and can only express.

My heart will not be still. Tried forcing myself to concentrate but I can't. I hope I'll feel better after this and dive right back into my books.

Loneliness. Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I have forgotten about the true meaning of companionship. These days, I tell myself to be satisfied with the presence of having a few around me, convinced myself that I can enjoy comfortable, companionable silence with another. So convinced am I, that I made myself practice it to 'feel' the greatness it can bring. I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay silence is okay'

I've been lonely these days. There is no one I can talk to without feeling I am being self centered, self absorbed.

Feels as though I've just lost a war. The contrast between dreams (re: last night's dream) and reality.

We watched crazy stupid love. Date shall be kept a mystery, only two know when. Maybe last month or today or a week before I don't know when. It tainted my ideals on love (not so much of the ending). Sometimes I don't know if we're living in an age where our ideas/ideals are too influenced by these things we watch. Who comes up with these storylines. For a moment I almost gave in to the thought of seeking temporary relief from physical comfort (according to the show, the pg13 kind). I remember our conversation about the fear of 'settling' for less. I sat there, felt lost. He said, "what a loser" when a character said he was still finding out if he's ready for marriage. I didn't find the insecurity in that guy particularly loserish. Maybe it's just me. I still liked the movie though. Maybe not so much of the movie itsef but the themes involved and it made me think about what I want. I felt a little less empty today. And I liked the company. Even though I'm not so sure if worked the other way round. I don't feel like talking to anyone today. But that'll bore people. So I ended up doing weird things. And said bye. Tomorrow will be a new day. Start of a new month.

The heart, it won't be still
Paranoia paranoia, why did I sense the mood drop?
Guilty conscience. revealed a black heart.
and we part ways, goodbye. (Not goodbye, goodbye)
Just as easily as the physical act of meeting.

Pumping muscle just will not be still even today.

It was nice to be able to let go. Yesterday wasn't too meaningful but comfortable.

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so dead.

I've been listening to John Mayer's songs all day & night because I downloaded several albums and I'm loving them.

-

If anybody loves Norah Jones as much as I do :)

Norah Jones & John Mayer - Don't know why/Your Body is a wonderland (absolutely smooth transition..!)

-

Neon

The Heart of Life

Vultures

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Daughters

And this is my favourite one:

Comfortable

-

AND THIS. THIS. THIS MAKES YOUR HEART SOARRRRR

Joe Hisaishi with New Japan Philharmonic Dream world Orchestra - Laputa suite (live)

They say you have to become a robot while doing your A's. Look at this space, I've become half robotic.

Still not a hard working, productive, efficient robot for I daydream so much of my time away but at least my mind's set to being a robot. There is exactly two months left, i feel like I only have one. There is so much to do, so much for this incoherent mind to handle. I think I'm not naturally suited for this system for my thoughts are not as linear.

But I'm going to do it anyway. Someone tell me two months is enough. Tell me it is enough, tell me I can structure my thoughts the way they want me to in two months. They are still all over the place.

There are many changes in my life right now, my friend is leaving and my dad is coming home for good in just two days. The house will be much noisier, there'll be less private space, more control... well all wise men say "we take whatever they throw at us". As much as I dislike motivational quotes, they make sense.

let this place die for now. it shall become a ranting place.

i found a reason to dislike living at home alone - having to remove cockroach corpses. and doing all the laundry and dishwashing and cooking and floor washing.

a very silly thought - i want to leave and have an excuse for being alone. That aside, it'd really be nice to experience life somewhere else, if only we had the means to. So many people are going to study abroad. I wouldn't mind canada where Ada is. Well, if only.

John Mayer - Stop this train

yesterday/today was, i feel, simple and nice. 20 didn't feel long at all.

we'll be exchanging pins and conversing with buttons soon.

short sentences are enough to remind me of things i want to remember,

things that are close to our hearts, linked to our minds will not be forgotten.

Talk and silence or i will not be still

Talk, silence me, or i will not be still.
Time is ticking, please, i need to be still

we'll be slow dancing in a burning room and be comfortable.

soon we'll get each other's pins and converse through tiny buttons.

i'm just exaggerating. just saying, to shut nosy people up.

we should eject the disc at the best part of the song like little dude did,

the song i've been playing on the keys these days.

it's okay to remember that the song was nice even though it ended halfway,

but not if you know there'll be an end. i know this one has an end.

it's not exactly my favourite genre, enjoying it because there aren't any songs available in the jukebox, i guess..

it'll shuffle to the next beautiful song, shuffle till i find the right one that will go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Ephemeral

You're like an ephemeral stream.
One that appears often. And disappears.

I'll drink from it while i can, let the taste linger when i can't.

Meaningless

feel as though I'm ruining this place with meaningless words.

nothing means anything to anyone. or me.

am ruining this place with meaningless words.

am being an unproductive machine.

am tempted to call someone, anyone

am dying to get out of this bubble

am uncertain about the future

am in love with words and its wonders

am supposed to get off this thing

am getting off this thing.

am waiting. for nothing in particular.

off.

so who stopped caring first?

Humans are powerful beings. I just made you disappear from my mind. No force, no resistance, nothing. Just poof,

and you can make someone disappear. And it's real.

Reality is in your mind, all in your sane or insane mind.

i don't mean 'just' in your mind. it is your reality, all that matters.

i mean, it is if you think of it that way.

-

Hearts Revolution - Digital Suicide Lullaby

Mirrors

To a person I'll never, ever get to talk to again,

I like looking at your words, they're like mirrors placed in front of me. Mirrors of the past, present. I'm different now, so would you please read this one day and speak to me?

A

Feel as though i have Every single reason to feel lonely, but am surprisingly fine. Am going to bury myself in my interests and work after A's. Such contradictory sentences. Sometimes i don't know if i'm okay only because i've successfully convinced myself that i am. But for now, it doesn't matter as long as i don't fall.

Quite aware that it's all my own doing, isolating myself from everyone else. Maybe i'm convincing myself again.

This space is the only side they'll see now, if they ever do. And it's all about myself. imagine it to be quite terrible. but i don't know what else to talk about when there's nothing else to talk about, in this room i'm in with nobody else present.

It's going to get worse soon. I will be okay.

黑色幽默- 周杰伦

stuck in my head.

don't want september to arrive, week's been good so far.

Cupid must have been drunk

It must have been drunk that night,
Shot just one of us, and with a needle instead.
In daylight or in moonlight, its sharp end
finds its way to me, scratching for cells outside
the heart. To put it under the microscope.

Whoever owns the microscope must need a needle.
My eye is a piece of glass, i am getting a hangover.

Why shoot with a needle, a blunt one at that,
Strike me with one shot, will you? Reincarnation
exists, for eyes to search for someone else
who has been struck. Not just any unwounded soul.

Not one who calls my name, thinking that alone
will bring comfort, or that smile. Cold as
stone. Warmth is temporal, conditional, will not
reach your core. Who are you? It's a question.

But recently i found i am good at spinning a world out for myself.

Besides, it's only what i felt then, at that time.

Changes.

K

Because if i deny this ever so slight liking I have, i will not fall

Down, for you.

And because i have trained myself to do so, it is now easier

at a time where it is needed
More than before, never before.

D

A dull documentation of my life: -

Expression of feelings has little value, for now: -

Meaning can be found in the abstract, and spaces of our minds. Closeness: not just soul-baring, woeful sharing sessions, also not just sharing of thoughts, not just intimacy. But all. And closeness is a temporary state, unless significantly close for a long period of time. Significant. And not just felt on one side.

Separate entities. When will we ever speak; Of shared experiences and condolences, none.

feelings are just feelings, they do not serve anyone. But don't reject it. Remember how it can make you feel, and channel the energy to finding out why you are feeling so.

And it is difficult to trust someone enough to accept your flaws. But we can't control what others think of us anyway, so let them judge till they see no need to judge.

Letter

Yesterday evening, i wrote a letter to my teacher and it made us both smile.

I

I will write about copenhagen, venice, and even rome after my exams, 6 months after the trip. For then, i will know what are the emotions and memories that still stick; i will flash the many photos i have taken (some tainted with bad memories and others remind me of my role and the space i am given in this.. Space i have to share with everyone else). Familiarity is such a nice feeling, the kind where you look at photos others have taken and go 'i have been there, i have been there!!'. What else fuels the excitement?

Yesterday, i looked through a few photos i was tagged in and felt strange. Roughly, this was what i said: isn't it strange how we look the way we are? Look at the mirror/photo, see a person staring back at you, how strange and surreal that the person is... You. Feels like we know ourselves better than our faces, so foreign. What do we know about our own faces, besides being able to recognize it?

It's barely uncomfortable, just surreal. That weird feeling that you actually exist. You hear of stories, of things others tell, and there is 'I'. What exactly is 'I'? Not 'who am I', but what is 'I'.

D

Read my mind and help me form proper sentences.

"A relativist cannot say that all human beliefs are subjective - except the belief that all human beliefs are subjective".

-

A quote from a book I bought recently, the only copy they shipped in. Couldn't resist buying it and now I have to resist reading it. It is, fortunately, tucked away safely on the shelf. Maybe I should lend it to a friend or something.

A chapter reads, "Ishmael's problem & delights of keeping quiet".

-

Recently, all I've been wondering about is the point of speaking. What is the point of speaking, why do we need to express ourselves, why the need to show others who we are -- one afternoon I tried to conclude it's only because we cannot live alone. My reason being, we speak to find people similar to us, have people agree with us, listen to others' point of view and share ours to find out if we're similar or different etc -- mostly to have people with us, accepting us, to be on our side.

(conclusions are, of course, subject to change.)

And then I realised my questioning was all based on my rejection of things, this previous thought based on my (subconscious) rejection of dependency. The inability to live alone is pathetic, which is shaped by a thought based on experience: being dependent equates to getting into a wreck eventually, so one should never be dependent.

And so I asked myself, if we speak only because we don't like to be alone, and the inability to be alone is unacceptable, why speak?

-

If so, each question might be born out of a personal need to resolve a personal conflict, in the disguise of a universal statement: if my questioning was driven by a subconscious thought, and the 'conclusion' I came up with at that time was simply an answer to make myself feel better...

what are 'answers' other people tell us? Is it not simply their answer to their own questions, based on their experiences? Are the only words we can trust words said by people who understand themselves (and their subconscious) fully? We might never know if anybody has fully achieved that, and in that case,
the truth -- is almost non-existent. Almost.

-

That conclusion is only my conclusion. And it is flawed. Flawed only when I try to think: is this the truth, do people agree?

Which conclusion is not flawed? Create something at any point;

1) Even in my perspective, it will change with time;
2) from the perspectives of 10 other people, that creation looks different in 10 different ways, right from the very start.

-


Isn't whatever I said true? Of course it might not be true.

And so the learning point of today: put might behind everything.

"I know I suck, but I love you.
And I hope that should suffice."

Came across this and I don't know if it makes too much sense.
Loving someone like you love a possession won't suffice. Then which kind(s) of love would actually suffice?

such confusion.

-

Feeling non-anti social for the first time this week, maybe cause I saw linette and sarah yesterday. happy birthday sarah :) i'd bake you a cake every year and smash it in your face .. my computer screen.. the bottom of the first page should make the most sense.

now, to reply to the texts I haven't replied to since monday.
It's been a quiet week, a night with my cuddly toy.

It's not very nice.

words swallowed by time -
faces whiz past slowly, down the corridor
spot my print on the wall. A picture for memories.

i forgot how to fake that smile. i wish people never knew how.

find myself a place to hide, tear the crowd away.
No physical space, no black hole, no sand dunes,
can't hide my body anywhere - they'll find me.

but my body can hide me.

no one can find me when i hide in my body
where i can be small and hide in my fingertips
and be on my own.

rather be alone if there isn't you, you, or you.

I have a phobia of crowds and meeting acquaintances.
I am not used to seeing crowds and crowds of students.
I wish I were more sociable and friendly and could talk more.

The best part of today was mini will run at the park.
And I'm sorry I might've let the atmosphere dip a little :(

No escapism

Very Personal reminder (you might not want to read if you are not me)

That i have screwed this week up (academically), and have been irresponsible today. I am entirely drained of energy, slept too much last night, and didn't accomplish what i have set out to do. Mostly because i packed too many classes within the week, two slots got cancelled and i lost the drive after wednesday.

These are not excuses they are mistakes. But it tells me one thing: if i were to go back to school i might crash and burn at this time, the end of july. And that is absolutely unacceptable. You are meant to feel tired AND still be able to have enough determination to push on. What is the use of this year if you're still unable to completely break the habit. So what if you're not good enough at your new subject. There are three more months and only three more months but it is enough to get better. Chin up and don't succumb to.. Escapism. Even if it's unconscious. Don't sleep unless it's bed time. Don't.

Now i have to learn to clear my head when i can't concentrate due to frustration, stress, negative emotions and all the thoughts that go through my mind.

Reject

Or maybe wishes don't come true easily

I'll never attain that heart of gold, diamond, or pearl that soon. You are right. not an inch of me loves anyone deeply. i am afraid.

Fear is not an excuse, but fear is real. Give me time, i will change.

The only way i know how to deal with your tears is to close my eyes and my heart to them. Reject them like mine have been rejected before. Hate emotions like how mine have been exposed to hate. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.

Tears are useless, they blind your thoughts, make you irrational, make you cave in even deeper. make you weak, make you vulnerable, closes your door for communication because they blind you and you can't see anything besides your miserable world and miserable thoughts.

Your emotions frustrate others. Don't voice out too much, they don't care. Don't love anyone too much, don't get hurt by them. I don't care. Feel truly alone and live with it, meet people who are alone. They all know to not depend on each other - interaction is considered love. We are lone rangers.

They love you more when you're not useless and emotional anyway.

Hear me, i know my fear is not an excuse to not respect you, love you, or care for you. I am sorry, and i am sorry i can't say these to you directly. I am sorry for i have been cold and ignorant, but i can't feel your tears, your emotions. I cannot bring myself to accept them or you will be the same way over and over and over again.

-

If these are my truest thoughts, then i am afraid i have lost myself.

I have lost myself.